What Is Life Really All About?

It's been awhile since my last post. It's been an extremely busy time my way. Within the last two weeks, my grandfather has passed away, and one of my very closest sisters in the Lord, lost her grandson. I am currently several hundred miles away from home, so that I could attend his funeral and be available for my precious friend. My mother and father also live in this area, so it is an opportunity to visit with them while I am here also.

With these two unexpected events, and after attending this important funeral today, I must say, I have been impacted with thoughts and contemplations of the things that are truly important in my life (and the life of others) vs. the things that are not. It did not help that I decided to watch "The Christmas Shoes" for the first time this evening, either. If you haven't yet seen this movie, I recommend that you do. It's a story about two families, whose lives intertwine in a significant way. One family includes a mother, father, and their 10 year old son. This family learns that the mother is deathly ill and will not live much longer. Tears were flowing! I mean, how do you prepare yourself to separate from someone you love so much? This is what this family was facing. As hard as that was, most people do not ever have the opportunity to say their goodbyes.


Everything that has recently transcended in my spirit as a result to all that has taken place, has mixed with what was impending in my spirit prior to all of this occurring. You see, I had a dissatisfaction, a tiredness, if you will, or what could maybe even be described as a slight disgust, for the focus that I constantly see all around me, on agendas, busyness, opinions, outlooks, schedules, expectations.........things that miss the importance of what our life is really all about.

And, that is a pretty good question, don't you think? What is our life really all about?

I despise repetition without progress. I despise living in a place of nothing happening & nothing changing. I mean what are we really on this earth for? I believe it is to give of ourselves and to also receive the things that God has chosen to bless us with. The problem is, that, agendas and busyness often takes our focus off of the simple gifts that God surrounds us with everyday. Opinions, outlooks, and expectations rob us of recognizing the uniqueness and quality in one another. We are all full of glorious potential. People expect so much at times without considering what other's lives may truly consist of. Shame on anyone who tries to convince someone that they need to be just like them, or live like they have lived, in order to succeed, or be close to God.

These things bother me. Does it bother any of you in the same way?

Dear Lord, I pray that you would align our focus to be your focus.

Show us how to treasure the things you're doing and the ones you have placed in our lives.

Help us slow ourselves enough to take notice to the things that are important to you, and just not to us.

Help us to quiet ourselves enough that we would hear your voice.

Help us to seek you and to be open to your change and correction.

Let us live a life that represents your fullness,

and may we seize all that each day holds.

In Jesus' name, amen.

A Video

The things of this world have taken our focus off of what is most important to God, and that is, that all who are lost, would be found and saved by Him.

This is something I just can't seem to shake from my spirit.

A video:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=5a2e075a1a4a6e1b9770

A Voice

There was a time that the very subject of abortion literally made me sick to my stomach. I cringed whenever I heard the subject brought up anywhere. Abortion leaves a dent for those who have been through it, and this is just one of the ways that it will often manifest. I praise my heavenly Father that it no longer bothers me in the same way. I praise Him that I can be a voice on this subject now, and that my voice will help transform the deception in abortion, and will help transform lives wounded by abortion.

Today, I will use my voice to express the sadness and concern that is lurking in my spirit. I have recently heard and read so much about abortion, and I can't help but to feel a little righteous anger rising up about some things. Let me explain. As our election day nears, and the opportunity to change history is before us, I hear a focused determination from the voices of those that are pro-life. I understand this determination, and am also equally determined to stand with others to be a unified voice for what is right. This stance on the subject of abortion, is, I know, birthed from the right motive. My concern in this, enters, when the concentration becomes so focused on the wrongness of abortion, that actions, words, or expressions pour out very clumsily and without enough thought as to how they may impact or hinder someone who has perhaps made that regretful decision to abort. There are individuals living all around us with the subject of abortion ringing in their ears as painfully as it did in mine at one time. Many (most) of these women (and men) are lost in a trapped heaviness, unsure of how to deal with their regret, guilt, grief, loss, shame, secrecy, etc. They are desperately in need of the power of our healing God to rescue them. As comments, opinions, and stances are taken, are you considering the heart of God in it all? Are you pausing long enough to consider those that surround you, and how you can maximize the impact you leave for them?

God hates abortion, and I know it must make Him sad. But God hates sin period! I'm sure all sin makes Him sad! It is our job to love those around us, and to be sensitive to the different experiences we have all had. Be careful as you share what you share (or even teach about the subject of abortion). You do not know how your words may impact someone's salvation, or healing, or lack thereof. We've really got to understand that as we teach about the ugliness that abortion is, we MUST include the compassion of our beautiful God that is able to forgive ANY sin, heal ANY heart, and to save ANY person.

There are so many aspects that surround the subject of life. I happen to especially love the "new life" that Jesus brings out of "lost life."

I choose to be a voice for the voiceless! And I don't just mean unborn babies!

Your Sins Are Behind You!

Several years after my husband and I were married, we began to try to have a child. Much time had passed, and still, to no avail. Although I had been freed from the sin of my abortions, a new form of guilt was now forming. As time passed and I still wasn't getting pregnant, I couldn't help but to feel responsible for what wasn't happening. Had I destroyed my chances of ever being a mother again? Part of me felt that I was being punished (I knew this wasn't true, but the enemy sure tried to convince me of it). I couldn't help but to feel that my physical body had probably been damaged as a result of my second abortion going so terribly wrong. Now, not only would I live with the repercussion, but my husband would unfairly be affected.

None of this was true of course, but the thoughts did plague my mind. In fact, much of the pain from my abortion experiences began to return. I didn't understand why it was all coming back. Here I thought I was healed...but realized much of my pain was still there. Condemnation can be so crippling, and will steal the joy from your life. This is exactly what the enemy wanted to do.

There were two key factors playing out in my life:

1.) I was still hurting and was still in need of more healing. I didn't realize this at that moment, however. I thought that because my sin had been forgiven, that that was supposed to be the end of it. I had yet to discover that although God can undoubtedly miraculously deliver someone, He more often times prefers to walk us tenderly through a process of comforting EVERY hurt, healing EVERY pain, and restoring EVERY part of our being. This takes time.

2.) The sin that satan tried to hang over my head in the past, was now being attempted in a new form. Because he could no longer defeat me in one area, he was trying to in another way. Remember, his whole objective is to steal, kill, and destroy us.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.
John 10:10

Take notice to the red portion of scripture above. I held on strongly to that during that difficult time in our lives. This promise steadied my faith. I knew that God could do anything, and that nothing was too hard for Him! My husband and I prayed, our Pastor prayed, and our church prayed; together, we were all believing for a miracle.

And God did give us that miracle! God gave us a child! Oh, I can't begin to tell you how overwhelmed we were by what God had done for us. Our faithful God had answered our prayers! My son, Nickolas Royce, was born 9 years ago. His name was prayerfully appointed, and is a declaration of who he is.

Nickolas - Victory of the people!
Royce - Son of the King!

I was, and will always be eternally grateful to God for allowing me another chance to be a mother.

Throughout my pregnancy, I continued to trust God with all of the emotion that had resurfaced from my abortions. He was continually touching my heart, but what I didn't realize then, was there was always one little thing blocking my complete healing. I was attempting to work it out on my own, and that was only taking me so far. You see, I was taking claim to my deliverance, but I didn't realize how much I was actually still in bondage. I wouldn't dare share my past with anyone. I should mention that at that point, my husband and I were Youth Pastors, so I worried what people would think if they knew the truth about what I had done.

This all changed after Nickolas was born. One Sunday at church, we had a guest speaker from our local Pregnancy Center. I was intrigued as I heard them describe themselves as a faith based ministry that works to help women understand the importance of the life within them. Call me naive, but I never knew such a place existed. I knew that this was it! This is where I wanted to get involved!

Soon after, I called the Center and made an appointment to go in and speak to someone about becoming a volunteer. I still did not know too much about the place, or even what I might be able to do to help, but knew I wanted to try to do something. Upon going in, I was dumbfounded once again, when I discovered that they also offered counseling to women suffering from emotional pain as a result of abortion. Whoa! I was blown away! You mean other women were impacted like me? I knew immediately that this was the area I specifically wanted to work in. They informed me that as part of my training to become a counselor, I would also have to participate in the healing bible study that they offer their post-abortive clients. I learned that this would be lead by a woman who had also been through abortion. I figured that although I knew I was already healed, what could it possibly hurt? Silly, silly me!

This was the first time in years that I would share my experience with anyone other than my mother or husband. That in itself was incredibly validating. As I progressed into the actual bible study, God began to unexpectedly, but so very lovingly, point me to the important areas that I still needed Him to touch and heal. Each week had a new area to focus on, and each week was at times both exciting and difficult. Through this bible study, I found EVERYTHING that I had desperately needed. Everything in my life changed for the good, as a result.

There are two things that I would like to leave you with today. First, please realize that you are not on your own! If you're dealing with anything similar to what I have described, there are pregnancy centers all around much like the one I mentioned, that are eager to help. They've been there, and do truly understand. Take that first step, and you'll be so glad you did.

The other thing is, never under estimate what God wants to do within you. You may not think you need it, but God knows differently. Trust Him and allow Him to touch the places in your heart that still need it. Ask Him today to search your heart. You just might be surprised.

I mentioned in my last post that the blessings that resulted from the door that God opened with my husband were many. All of this was part of it. If Albert had not entered my life, I would have never discovered true wholeness from abortion........and even more, never gotten the miracle of my son, Nickolas!

Remember today, your sins are behind you!

(See video on link below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyupDI0k86w

A New Door

You've all probably heard that old saying that God will not close one door without opening a new one. I believe there is some truth to that. Choosing to live a consecrated life for God's purposes proved to be a blessing for me in more ways than one. Not only was I completely fulfilled with my relationship with God alone, but the more I continued focusing on Him and not necessarily the things my heart once longed for, the more I found that God would bring to me the things my heart really did still long for and that I never expected.

About a year after my prior relationship ended, my husband, Albert entered my life. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but as God lead me, I found one!

Although Albert & I attended the same church, we did not know one another. I can remember seeing him during times of worship, and taking notice to the passion he expressed for God. That appealed to me because I felt the same passion for God. I took notice of him because of that, but for no other reason. We casually got to know one another as a result of attending one of the same classes together at our church. Our friendship unexpectedly turned into a courtship, and eleven months later, he asked me to marry him. I knew this was the man that God had chosen. Our relationship didn't make any rational sense. Either of us had been looking for love, our tastes and likes were very different from one another, but yet we knew without a doubt that this was something God was doing. There was a great trust we both had in that. Our love was built on this.

My abortions were something that weren't often thought about after being saved. I knew that I was forgiven, and so instead, I continued to look ahead. When Albert & I decided to get married however, I felt it was important that he know. He continued to love me just the same, and we were married as planned.

Through this open door that God provided, He has given my heart many unexpected blessings. The way He has chosen to reveal himself to me over the years still amazes me! Some of His blessing are unrecognizable in the beginning. But eventually, I do see how He's piecing together all of the parts of my life.

Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

My Story Part V

Right around the time that I began to serve Jesus, my partner went to jail. He had gone off the deep end in response to the loss of his mother and everything else, and gotten himself in a lot of trouble. I continued in relationship with him, but it was in a completely different manner. I stayed committed to sharing Jesus with him during that time. I would visit him in jail and share about all the things God was doing. He was eventually moved to a Christian rehabilitation program as part of his sentence. This place was quite a drive for me, but I would make every effort to visit him, attend church with him, and encourage him in the things of God. I could see definite change and I was sincerely happy for him.

In the meanwhile, I continued going to church myself. I was totally focused on receiving from God. God was continually filling me up, and I felt so satisfied. I understood that it was only He that could fill my void inside, and my dependence was now on HIM and HIM alone. It was liberating!

Everything around me was changing daily, it seemed. My mom was so impacted by my change, that she decided to come to church with me, and too, gave her life to God. Soon after, my father followed, and as a family, we were following God together. Such a glorious thing that God was doing within all of us! I remember asking God for new friends who would share my love for Him. Before long, a whole new family of friends entered my life. I began to spend my time with other like minded people, and it was great.

Two years later, my partner was released. I knew this would be his true test. He stayed focused on God for no longer than a couple of months. The temptations that lured all around him quickly became too much for him to resist. He went back to the former things. I knew that this was where things ended. He was now choosing a lifestyle that no longer lined up with mine, and I would not allow anything to hinder my walk with God.

The end of my relationship with him was indeed a sad time. I was sad in my own heart, but was mostly saddened for him, and all that he was choosing to give up. As I looked to God, He continued to tenderly love me through and once again help me to heal.

It was then, that I no longer had any associations with my past, and that God would begin to really build my future.

Respect Life Sunday

Today is Respect Life Sunday. There are so many ways to look at "LIFE". In my last blog, I focused on the "NEW LIFE" that we can find through Jesus Christ. Today, I want to simply remind you of the significance of every LIFE that has been lost due to abortion. The honor that we offer, is small in comparisom to the bigness of every one of their lives. But, none the less, it is due to them. May the memory of their lives forever live on!

We can never turn back time, but we can seize the direction of now. We must all understand how important it is, to be a voice for the voiceless.

Please log on to the link below. Watching this video always makes me wish I could have been that strong. I believe it will touch your heart and help you to see how important it is that we stand for LIFE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AqPRcF7ZC0

Something Did Change! My Story Part IV

Something DID change as a result of that desperate prayer! I hadn't known that just a few weeks prior to this time, a close cousin of mine had began to attend a Christian church. It was very soon after my prayer, that she invited me to attend with her. I didn't hesitate because I knew I needed some kind of help, and at that point, I had nothing to lose. I also wondered if God couldn't possibly be responding to my plea.

I ended up attending church with her, but with a very critical attitude. I sat in the last pew, and can remember sizing up the Pastor before he even spoke. This church was different than what I knew church to be, and I felt confused.

The music began, and it was beautiful. The atmosphere in that place became so peaceful. The Pastor started to speak, and for the first time ever in my life, I experienced God talking directly to me through that man. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing! That message was for ME! I wept and wept as I realized without a doubt that God really had heard me, and that God really did care! I determined before even leaving that evening, that I was not going to miss this opportunity for new life. I determined right then and there that I would return on Sunday morning, and publicly commit my life to God. I really didn't understand the depth of what was happening inside of me, but there was this new spark of hope that was not there before.

Sunday morning came and I put on the prettiest dress I had. I couldn't wait to get there. At the end of the service they extended an offer to pray for anyone who wanted to make things right and give their life to God. I couldn't walk to the front of that church quick enough. I decided to say "yes" to God that day, and I meant it with everything inside of me.

A radical transformation began in my life. Every single day that followed became a thrill as I discovered the truths and promises of God's word. I stayed in His word and surrounded myself with worship music constantly. I knew I couldn't afford to come out from under His covering.

There were three life changing revelations that became my lifeline:

1. God had forgiven me for the unforgivable, and would never remember my sin again.

You will again have compassion on us;

You will tread our iniquities underfoot.

and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.
Micah 7:19

"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake;

and I will not remember your sins"

Isaiah 43:25

As far as the east is from the west,

so far has re removed our transgressions from us.

Psalm 103:12

2. Satan wanted to kill me, but God promised to save me.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear;

but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

3. I would never be that same person again.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,

he is a new creation;

the old has gone, the new has come!

2 Corinthians 5:17

My dear friends, I do not know where you're at in your life, but please know that God is mindful of you. He loves you more than you can imagine. Committing your life to God is not just about the deliverance that He can and will provide in the midst of turmoil. That is definitely a major benefit, but the truth is, we are all sinners in need of the Savior. We all need to be forgiven and redeemed from our sin (no matter the sin). We must be born again. What is it to be born again, you may ask?

In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again."

"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"

Jesus answered, " I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, You must be born again. The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." John 3: 3-8

Perhaps you haven't yet given your life to God, but you recognize your need to. It's really very simple. It involves a heartfelt, sincere prayer to God acknowledging that you understand that you are a sinner and in need of a Savior. Saying a sinner's prayer will not accomplish anything on its own. A sinner's prayer is only effective if it genuinely represents what a person knows, understands, and believes about their sinfulness and need for salvation. The first aspect of a sinner's prayer is understanding that we are all sinners. Romans 3:10 proclaims, "As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one." The Bible makes it clear that we have all sinned. We are all sinners in need of mercy and forgiveness from God (Titus 3:5-7). Because of our sin, we deserve eternal punishment (Matthew 25:46). The sinner's prayer is a plea for grace instead of judgment. It is a request for mercy instead of wrath.The second aspect of a sinner's prayer is knowing what God has done to remedy our lost and sinful condition. God took on flesh and became a human being in the Person of Jesus Christ (John 1:1,14). Jesus taught us the truth about God and lived a perfectly righteous and sinless life (John 8:46; 2 Corinthians 5:21). Jesus then died on the cross in our place, taking the punishment that we deserve (Romans 5:8). Jesus rose from the dead to prove His victory over sin, death, and hell (Colossians 2:15; 1 Corinthians chapter 15). Because of all of this, we can have our sins forgiven and be promised an eternal home in Heaven - if we will just place our faith in Jesus Christ. All we have to do is believe that He died in our place and rose from the dead (Romans 10:9-10). We can be saved by grace alone, through faith alone, in Jesus Christ alone. Ephesians 2:8 declares, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." Saying the sinner's prayer is simply a way of declaring to God that you are relying on Jesus Christ as your Savior. There are no "magical" words that result in salvation. It is only faith in Jesus' death and resurrection that can save us.

Here's an example:

"God, I know that I am a sinner. I know that I deserve the consequences of my sin. However, I choose today to trust Jesus Christ as my Savior and I acknowledge and believe that His death and resurrection provided for my forgiveness. I ask you to cleanse me and re-make me. I confess and receive Jesus Christ right now as my personal Lord and Savior, and I commit my life into your hands. Thank you Lord, for saving me and forgiving me! Amen!"

I encourage you to study the referenced scriptures carefully so that you have a complete understanding for yourself.

If you've made a decision to follow Christ, please don't hesitate to let me know. It is a milestone in your life I wouldn't want to miss! I'm praying for you all.

My Story Part III

Days turned into months, months turned into years, and not one day went by that I didn't regret what I had done. I would have given anything to have been able to go back and choose life. I knew it was the biggest mistake I had ever made, and I knew I would never allow myself to be in that place again.........................
.............Three years later, I was still in the same relationship and things were surprisingly going very well. He had changed a great deal, and was no longer running around. We were experiencing a season of great happiness together. For the first time I was optimistic about the possibility of a future with him. Although I was hopefull, there was this little nagging doubt that would not let me forget that this man may never truly ever change his ways. I wanted a future with him and dreamt of how happy we could be, but there was always the risk factor that poked at me. Against my better judgement, and in a routine I had become accustomed to, I proceeded ahead with the fantasy of happily ever after with this man. We began to speak very seriously about getting married and were anxious to have a child together. So anxious in fact, that guess who was pregnant again? We were both overjoyed. He immediately gave me a ring, and the wedding plans were on.

My mom disapproved more than she ever had before. Her stance concerning this man and all the potential she seen for my life never changed. Major decisions were being made, but all without her blessing. This dimmed what should have been a happy time of planning, but it didn't stop the planning. There were many people that were happy for us, and that's what I focused on.

It was about a month later that my whole world fell apart.

His mother, whom he was extremely close to, was in a tragic automobile accident and very suddenly died. This was a cruel blow to him, and, needless to say, hit him very hard. This changed EVERYTHING. He was filled with a sorrowful rage. It was a rage that I had never seen before and hadn't known he was capable of. It terrified me and I was gripped with panic. All hope for my future was now replaced with complete terror. I feared for myself and for my child. What was I about to bring my child into? The same position I swore I would never find myself in was there to wickedly revisit me. I felt completely bound. I was in a lose/lose situation, and I would not bring my child into that.

Please understand, I hated abortion at that point. I hated that I had already had one. I hated that I was in a place that abortion was the only trapped option I felt I had. I can imagine how terribly perverse my story may sound. But it was my reality. It is very hard to describe how grueling it is to feel forced to do something that goes against everything you believe or want.

I let my partner know of what I had decided. He begged me not to abort. I took authority like I had never taken before and quickly moved ahead with my decision.

Things this time around were very different. I soaked in the same tub, and once again told this child how sorry I was. I was unable to toughen up this time though. I was fragile walking into the clinic, and that made the experience impossible. I walked out, unable to follow through. It took days to coax myself up with enough toughness to get through it. When I finally did, the procedure was excruciatingly painful in every aspect. I walked out of that office a completely different person. No life, no care, no anything! When things couldn't possibly get any worse, I began hemorrhaging two days later, and was forced to return to the clinic so that they could repeat the procedure. This was a very traumatic experience. I remember freaking out, hyperventilating, and trying to do everything I could to communicate to the doctor that there was no way I could repeat it. I told him to put me to sleep, that I couldn't handle it. My requests were ignored. They took complete advantage of my vulnerable state of mind and forced me back on the table to finish their job.

I might as well have died. Everything inside of me was now dead. I immediately became severely and dangerously depressed. I isolated myself from everyone. I didn't eat. I didn't bathe. I existed in a mute and numb state. I often awoke in the middle of the night in complete panic attacks. I was literally losing my mind, and I told my mom numerous times to admit me to the mental hospital.......................I didn't care.

Every one of my days were filled with deep weeping and sorrow. I could not relieve the hell, substance could not relieve the hell, NOTHING could relieve the hell, until....

The day came that I was down on my face in despair, and I cried out to God. I cried out for forgiveness! I cried out for relief! I begged for another chance to live a better life. I even bargained and said, "God, if you will just give me one more chance, I will serve you all the days of my life!"I honestly didn't expect anything to change.
But oh, how it did!

I can't wait to share this with you! Until tomorrow.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,

plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity.

Jeremiah 29:11-14...