Grieving, Mourning, and Honoring

I long to see you,

so that I may be filled with joy.

2 Timothy 1:4

Today, I want to speak more about the process of memorializing (or) honoring your unborn child(ren). The loss of a child is one of the most difficult things one can experience....even when it's due to abortion. A mother/child connection is one of God's strongest instincts. The fact remains that the connection that a mother experiences with her unborn child is just as significant as it is after they are born. And, while many people who have lost children after they were born have a gravesite to visit, those who have aborted or miscarried usually do not.

I mentioned in my last post, that your healing process will often include a memorial service for your unborn child(ren). Notice I say "memorial" and not "funeral" service. This is an important emphasis based on several reasons.

Grieving is defined as the feeling of great sorrow. There is an earlier part of your healing process that is devoted to this portion alone, and allows you the time to really grieve the decision that was made to abort, and the great loss you experienced as a result of that decision. This can also be the stage of healing that God allows you to mourn. Mourning is defined as the period or interval during which a person grieves. It's during this time, you come to terms with your great remorse, you allow yourself to feel the loss of your child(ren), and you begin to understand where your child is now.

Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Though we often expect to grieve the death of a family member or loved one, there are many other losses that can trigger grief. Such as the end of a relationship, or when a much-anticipated opportunity or life goal is suddenly ended. These can all tie in together when mourning an aborted child.

Grieving such losses is important because it allows us to "free-up" energy that is bound to our experience(s)—so that we might re-invest that energy elsewhere. Until we grieve effectively, we are likely to find a part of us that remains tied to the past. I'm not saying in any way that grieving is forgetting, but healthy grieving results in an ability to remember the importance of our loss—but with a new found sense of peace, rather than searing pain.

When the above process has taken place, and you come to a position in where God has progressed your healing process, you can now look at memorializing your child(ren) with great anticipation. It is a time of honoring and celebrating the significance of your child's life. It should never be looked at as a gloomy, heavy time, but an uplifted experience that provides you with great peace and fulfilment. The definition of honor is, a mark, token, or gesture of respect, distinction, glory, recognition, or esteem.

Many women get stuck in understanding the "significance" of their unborn child's life, because they believe they robbed their child of the chance to grow and fulfill their significance. Long ago, God gave me great revelation about the significance of an unborn child's life, as well as that of a young baby that dies. I believe that the greatest significance of their lives was to be an instrument that would help lead us to a life changing relationship with Jesus Christ. And what a significant purpose that is!

A memorial service will represent different things for different people, but is always a very heartfelt and meaningful experience. This is a time for you to give back to your child(ren), and express what it is that you would tell them now. Sometimes, husbands or family members are included, and sometimes they are not.

Many women who have aborted (or miscarried) children will be curious as to whether their child was a boy or a girl. As a woman seeks the Lord with this question, she will often get an unction in her spirit as to who they were exactly. When this happens, a woman will often name her child.

My Children's Memorial Service:

I always had a desire to name my aborted children (especially for their memorial service and even beyond), but I could never do it for some reason. There was something extreme that God later revealed to me, and was the reason that this was so. I will share this with you soon.

I remember being so excited as I considered what I could make for them for this time of celebrating their lives. After careful contemplation, I ended up creating a beautiful golden oval box, not to represent a coffin, but to fill with what I would give them now. I searched my heart for what I would give them, and the best conclusion that I could come up with was "Jesus". I would give them Jesus! I purchased two white miniature bibles and put them in my box. During my time of preparation, both my mother and husband knew about the process that I had been in, and the significant event I was preparing for. I let them both know that they could contribute something if they desired, but I truly had no expectations. This was something that I needed to do. To my surprise, my sweet husband purchased a card and wrote this sentiment inside:

This letter represents a piece of my heart for two little people I've never seen, but yet I feel apart of. I know you are in a great place with a great person, but I would just like to say I love you and I know your mom loves you very much. There's not a day that goes by that we don't think about you. Your mom is a wonderful person who you should be very proud of. I hope and pray that one day real soon we would all be together in a better place worshipping the King of Kings together as a family.

My mother also surprised me by contributing a card, without any knowledge of what my husband had already done. Her card read this:

To two little angels,

At the time I thought I was doing the right thing for my daughter, your mom, by letting you go. I was so hurt and mad at the same time and just wanted to make it better for my baby, my daughter, your mom. But now I see it was the wrong thing to do, and that she loved you more than I could understand. I didn't stop to think how big of a hole it would leave in her heart. But thanks to God, I see things in a different way now. I know God is taking care of you both, and that some day we'll all be together. Until then, know how much I love you both and miss you. It's hard for me to put into words, but I think you know how I really feel inside.

I can't begin to tell you how much those two cards still mean to me.

In a card I purchased, I wrote the following:

My Babies,

My heart is filled with pain when I think of the two beautiful gifts I gave up. Not 1 day will ever go by that I will not regret the decisions that were made. I love you both with every part of me. I believe you both can see my heart and can see that it was a hard time in my life. That is not what I wanted for you both. I wanted to know I could give you a life of love and stability. The thing now, though, is your mommy has a new life, new strength, and a new hope! The same wonderful Jesus that is loving and caring for you right now, is also loving and caring for me. I am no longer the same, thanks to Jesus. He rescued me from my desperation. I am living in God's instruction and have many things to fulfill for Him. My babies, Jesus is all you'll ever need and I know you have him. He's my strength and He is the reason I can look ahead now, and so forward to seeing you! You're my pride, and your existence will never be hidden. In your honor, I am going to put all of my effort into helping others in the same situation. By God's grace, there is good that has and that will continue to be a result of your precious lives!

On the day of their memorial, I arrived with my items to share. The dear woman that so tenderly worked with me through my healing process had candles and flowers, and everything was just so perfect!

This one event alone gave me a lasting impression on how I could continue to live my life in a way that would forever honor theirs. Many women will decide at this point that they would like to devote themselves to helping other women, the same profound way they have been helped.

Honoring and memorializing is not just limited to any one event. As the years have passed for me since the memorial service of my own children, there have been multiple opportunities for both the memorializing and honoring to continue and grow. As the memorializing and honoring process continues, another important factor you may consider is how and when you might decide to include your other children in such a process. This is another topic all it's own, and one I will also touch on at another time.

I leave you with a poem that I wrote many years after my children's memorial service.

My Heart Cries For You

Time came and went so quickly

My child's life was gone

What do I do now?

My Heart Cries For You

Your lives had great value

Something others too quickly forgot

Forget? I could never forget.

My Heart Cries For You

The pain has been too much some days,

For nothing will bring you back

Oh, what I've missed without you.

My Heart Cries For You

With a void so steady and constant,

Where can I possibly go

To remedy the grief that distresses my soul?

My Heart Cries For You

I discovered it's to Jesus Christ

He knows everything about me

He has my tears all counted,

Can you imagine?

My Heart Cries For You

Remember the void?

It's no longer there.

God filled it with His love,

and that was all I needed.

My Heart Cries For You

Today, I will celebrate

For the impact your life has had

For everything you still are

And that I don't have to be sad.

My Heart Cries For You